Memories which still hurt and hopefully something to help.

For a number of reasons the last few weeks have been tough. I seem to have had several battles going on inside my head which have taken their toll. I have resisted writing a post until i think i have reached the bottom and am successfully on the way back up and can thankfully say the last two days have been better. I had a visit to H, my lovely psychologist this week who as always was the voice of reason and talked me through various strategies which I’m sure have helped a great deal.

The subject of my parents and how they handled/dealt with/didn’t deal with my intersex beginnings is still very raw even though i thought i had successfully placed it in a compartment in my head which was secure and would no longer affect me. The reality of it is that it will most likely always be there so i need to find a way to deal with it better when it reappears so I don’t get bogged down by it. One of the things i am doing to try and help is taking part in a “September self care challenge” which is being run by my very caring GP. Self care was not something which even came close to my radar until about three months ago when i was introduced to meditation to try and help with my physical pain. The success of which i have written about previously and I’m very happy to report that it is still doing the job even though i must confess that I can’t even begin to understand how. To be honest I don’t mind not understanding it, it works so why question it? I am convinced i am only just scratching the surface of how powerful the mind is and I’m hoping that the September challenge will further my education.

the challenge involves setting aside some time every day for self care and I’m hoping to complete all 30 activities on the calendar supplied (i am blown away by the work that my GP has put into this!) The activities range from various forms of meditation to digital detox days and dancing to your favourite dance song (hopefully with no one watching!!!) and I’m really excited about getting started especially with our short break to Nusa Lembongan just a few days away. This should be the perfect place for some thoughtful time and my next post will most likely be from there. Watch this space!

Self Care and a few other things

If someone had asked me three months ago what i thought self care was all about i would probably have talked about eating well, being active and being careful how much alcohol and caffeine i consumed. These are important elements but now i have a whole different take on it and it starts with looking after where your head is and being kind to yourself as well as others. I would never have believed the difference it has made to my life and actually my world. I know i have already spoken about no longer being dependent on opiate painkillers which in itself is a truly wonderful thing but there is so much more to it than just that.

It might allow you to have a different relationship with the pain my GP said as she watched the sceptical look on my face. The fact is it is so much more than that, i think it has given me a different relationship with myself. Somehow the path forward is now more clear and i have dealt with a number of things which have been bothering me for some time. That in itself is a major step forward, my relationship with my beautiful partner Denise has never been stronger, we are de-stressing the house and hopefully in the process de-stressing our lives a little. We are making our property in Nannup a place of real peace and tranquility, we were there on Sunday and i was struck by the silence apart from the sound of the birds. We have identified several areas which we would like to make into meditation areas, the way the light streams through the trees makes for some really beautiful spots.

I have always made a point of showing my gratitude to the wonderful people who care for me medically and there have been a good number over the last few years but I’m still humbled by how well i am cared for and know how lucky i am.

Last week i had my first ever Reiki session, i can tell you with absolute certainty that it won’t be my last! It was amazing. I think it was made even better because i had no idea what to expect, it certainly left me with some questions which is no bad thing but it’s all part of my journey into discovering the real Stephanie Vaughan and moreover me reaching my full potential. I know i have a long way to go to reach that.

Life is good and it’s only going to get better! As always, thank you to all concerned both now and throughout my journey, talking of which, it is almost three years since i made the decision to become the person i always knew i should be. It started on our regular evening walk with Bella our beautiful Kelpie-Shepherd at the junction of Falcon Drive and Hadfield Avenue and has been a roller coaster of a ride ever since. It was there that Denise said to me “if you want to transition, i will support you” truly the most selfless sentence ever spoken! I’ve almost lost count of the number of beautiful people who have assisted me in one way or another in that time but i know most have given me far more time than they should. Quite what i ever did to deserve this i have no idea, i just hope that in one way or another i can repay it in some way. xxx

10 weeks and counting!

It’s now over ten weeks since i started meditating and the same length of time since i felt the need to take an opiate painkiller. To say i am over the moon about it is a huge understatement, I didn’t realise how bad they were making me feel until i stopped taking them. The thing is, there is so much more to meditation and I’m only just scratching the surface but learning every day. I can honestly say i have not missed a day since my first visit to the Dunsborough women’s meditation circle, it may not be for very long, often only 10 to 15 minutes but somehow it’s doing the trick and I’m slowly getting better at it.

My GP said it would allow me to have a different relationship with the pain and to be honest I didn’t really understand what she meant but ten weeks on and i think i now get it. The pain is probably still there (the swelling certainly is!) but i can now acknowledge it but not let it get in the way. The mind is such a powerful thing if you are open minded enough to give it a try, I’m not sure i would have been a few years ago but the whole transition thing has certainly opened my eyes to a lot of things.

Tomorrow i am trying something else new, I’m having a Reiki session, Denise had one a couple of weeks ago and said she felt it worthwhile so I’m giving it a go. I’ll report at a later date my thoughts on how it went. I’m certainly looking forward to it!

Watch this space!!!