Author: Stephanie

Today I have spent six hours of my Saturday in The Emergency Department of Busselton hospital. It all started on Thursday evening when I was out on my walk with Bella. I had been in a little bit of discomfort all day but didn’t think anything of it but while out the pain became increasingly worse. By the time I got home every step was painful and I didn’t know why, it felt like there was a swelling inside the site of my surgery and it made it very difficult to either sit or stand. By Friday I was no better so Denise called the surgery to see if I could see my GP but unfortunately she was not working again until Tuesday. After hearing what the problem was the very helpful receptionist said she would call my GP and get her advice. She called back a few minutes later after speaking with her and recommended another GP or if we felt it was an emergency then to go straight to the hospital. I didn’t think it was urgent and thought it would probably go away during the day but made an appointment to see the other GP anyway for Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately when I woke this morning the pain was worse so decided to head straight to the hospital. We were greeted with a smile and asked how we could be helped. I briefly explained the problem and the nurse was very understanding, she attracted the attention of a lady doctor and suggested that she should be the one who looked after me. I’m sure they won’t mind being named so a massive thank you to Sandra and Frank for amazing patient care. You were both wonderful with me and although I am still in some discomfort at least you were able to discount my fears of a serious problem.

This goes to show just how lucky we are to have the amazing health care we enjoy in Busselton. There was very little waiting around, I never felt that I had been forgotten, I was fed and watered, Denise was looked after and I am thoroughly thankful for an excellent experience given the circumstances. It will always be a challenge getting assistance being transgender as very few people have had any experience but today I was extremely well cared for.

Back in November 2016 when I was in the early part of my transition I made a deal with the psychiatrist I was referred to in order to evaluate my suitability to transition. The rules say you must live in your preferred gender for at least 18 months before receiving hormone treatment. Now I’m sure these rules get bent for lots of reasons but in my case I had a massive excess of female hormones anyway and little in the way of male ones so it didn’t really apply but the rules also say that you must have lived in your preferred gender for the same amount of time before being recommended for surgery. Not only did the psychiatrist bring down the period of time between being officially diagnosed as having gender incongruoence and recommendation to proceed to surgery from three months to one month, she wrote the letter there and then so I could book my surgery straight away. A condition of this was that I receive counseling for a minimum of two years from that date, looking back I would have agreed to anything in order to get my letters of recommendation sooner rather than later and as I had already seen a psychologist in Busselton a number of times since my decision to transition on the recommendation of my GP I considered it a very easy condition. Also, quite how she was ever going to police it I don’t know, it isn’t as though she could send me back to Philadelphia to have the surgery reversed if I didn’t comply, I doubt that they kept the parts they removed!

I have now seen the said psychologist probably twenty times, she has been truly wonderful with me, someone I feel extremely comfortable with and someone I can tell anything without fear of being judged. During my june appointment I was busy telling her how proud I was to have completely stopped taking any opiate based painkillers after almost 11 months. It was largely down to my visit to a surgeon in Brighton back in May but I felt it was a huge achievement. When I had finished telling her how I had achieved it she asked me what other medication I was taking, there was still a number of things on it one of them being Tamazepam, she asked how long I’d been taking it for, I replied most of the last six years. The look on her face was that of shock, as it was close to the end of the session she told me we needed to discuss this in the next session and work out a way of coming off them. I agreed to that and we parted with a lovely hug as usual.

My next appointment with her was not for six weeks and after giving it some thought decided that she was probably right and I should come off them sooner rather than later. In the scheme of things I felt that coming off the opiates was a much bigger deal and so made up my mind that I was going to be off them before the next appointment and just stopped taking them. Getting to sleep was a challenge for a few nights but eventually I got there and felt I had kicked the habit as it were. Then it hit me, I felt really crap, irritable, short tempered and often found myself in tears for no apparent reason. I discussed this with Denise who immediately pinned it on the coming off Tamazepam, she looked it up on good old google and sure enough there are lots of posts about the side effects of just stopping taking it especially after a long period of time. Anyway I persevered, I sent a message to the psychologist to get her thoughts, she immediately sent me a message back saying I should see my GP straight away. I thought about for a while but decided that I could deal with it myself, the GP is a busy person and it’s not as though it was a serious problem and as I caused it myself I felt a little embarrassed about the whole thing. I mean how could I go into her office and say “I feel crap because I’ve come off the medication which you prescribed” as lovely as she is it probably wouldn’t have gone down too well.

As my next appointment with the psychologist approached I thought it a good idea to see the GP first. In a very polite way I felt I got a serious ticking off for not consulting her before coming off the Tamazepam, she went on to explain the correct way of coming off that type of medication, how dangerous it is to just stop taking it and how she could have helped me. The next day I saw the psychologist and got another one! In no uncertain terms she was determined that I knew I’d done the wrong thing. All in all I was left without any doubt of the route I should have taken but it was all done in a very pleasant way, hopefully neither have fallen out with me, I don’t think they have as both appointments ended with the usual heart felt hug which means so much to me.

We have been looking forward to this weekend for some time and it didn’t disappoint in any way. Even the ordinary weather didn’t go anywhere near spoiling it and there were a couple of really unexpected high points for me thrown in for good measure.

Almost seven months ago Denise received a lovely Christmas present from one of her employers, Empire Spa Retreat at Yallingup. It has taken us quite a while to get round to using it but it was for a two night stay in one of their top rooms and it didn’t disappoint in any way. We arrived late afternoon on Friday and were shown to our room. I am fairly familiar with the rooms as I have done work of some sort in most of them and this was one of my favourites, split level with wood fire, huge comfy four poster bed and everything you could wish for. We had also ordered the gourmet platter and some bubbles which were ready waiting for us. We got settled in, selected some movies to watch and made a start on the platter, it was huge, there was everything you could wish for and more, beautifully presented and great quality. We opened a bottle of the bubbles and were set for the night. We had the company of the retreat manager Kirsty for a short visit which was lovely after which we selected a movie to watch and settled in for the night.

I was especially looking forward to the following day as we had some treatments booked in the spa. Now I have never had a full massage before. Shannon, the Spa manager, the lady tasked with doing it said I looked nervous (and I was a little).  She said she would be gentle with me and it was perfect.  I was lost in a wonderful world of relaxation which I didn’t want to end but it was followed by a petit facial which was also lovely. We both felt thoroughly relaxed when we walked out of the spa to head back to our room. On the way back we bumped into another employee of the retreat whom Denise introduced me to, we stood and talked for a while and somehow it came out that I was transgender, she looked really surprised and said she wouldn’t have known, I can’t tell you how much that means to me, we spoke for a while longer and I gave her my card which has my blog details on it and said if she was interested in my story it’s a good place to start.

We returned to our room to freshen up for our afternoon trip to a winery. I chose the venue, Knotting Hill,  it’s one I have visited lots of times before but haven’t been since I transitioned, in fact I got married there in 2008 to a Julia Roberts which was very fitting. We walked over the foot bridge to the cellar door and went inside. Due to the Julia Roberts/Knotting hill thing our wedding photos are still in the display cabinet, it felt really weird looking at them after all this time and now that I am a completely different person. We made our way to the bar and I spoke to a lady who I knew but she didn’t recognise me at first so I gave her a clue and said my photo is in the display cabinet to which she said “I know who you are now but don’t know your new name” I told her and she said I looked really well. She said that her father in law had told her about my journey but she didn’t know any details so I gave her a very very short version.  She said she was happy for me and I asked if her husband was around (they are the owners of the winery) and she went off to find him while we were sampling some of their wines. She returned accompanied by her husband and he said he knew who I was because his father who we bumped into in the Chinese restaurant a couple of months ago had shown him a photo of me.  They were really pleased to see me and genuinely happy for me which is all I ask for and this was a perfect reunion for me. I’m sure we will be visiting again soon.

We returned to the Retreat and got stuck into the rest of the platter, watched a couple of movies and settled in for the night. Now I am not a good sleeper by any standard and didn’t have a great night the first night, I think a combination of strange place, different surroundings, no evening walk and not my usual pillow.   However the second night, after a visit home for my regular pillow  on the way back from the winery, was much more successful and we didn’t wake till about 8.30 so it was a case of quick coffee, quick shower and to the main building for breakfast. As was the first morning, breakfast was excellent, perfect scrambled eggs and smoked salmon with some fruit toast. We thought we might go back to our room for our coats and go for a walk round the grounds but it was spitting with rain so just headed back to the room. On our way back we bumped into Erin whom I had met the day before and given my card to, to my surprise she said she had read some of the posts on my blog.  What she said then blew me away, she said that what she had seen the day before was a beautiful woman leaving the spa and I should be proud of what I’ve achieved! I just can’t tell you how much that meant to me, thank you so much Erin xx

We have spent a good deal time over the last week or so talking to people about kitchens and associated appliances for our house in Nannup both in Perth and Busselton. Not once have I felt uncomfortable or not at ease with myself,  how I present and come over to people. It’s hard for me to believe that less than two years ago it was all a dream, a dream that I was resigned to taking to my grave. The pure joy that I get from being the person I know I should always have been must be difficult for anyone to understand but I look at myself in the mirror every morning and am blown away by the transformation that has taken place over the last fifteen months from when I first transitioned to Stephanie full time.

Before the discovery of my beginnings on December 21st 2015 and during the very difficult time between then and making the decision to transition in September 2016 Denise had asked me numerous times why I hadn’t looked into the process of transitioning when in her mind it was always an option which I should have considered. I always had the same reply “I don’t have the courage to do it” but when you are faced with the choice of doing something about it or an option which doesn’t bear thinking about now, it was an easy choice. I had always thought there was no way I could ever “pass” as a female, every thing about me externally was male apart from the fact that I had very female breasts which of course I had been forced to hide for the majority of my life. Now, it’s the most natural thing for me, it has become so easy for me to present as the female which was always there in my head and I’m not really concerned wether people pick that I am trans or not, in the scheme of things it just doesn’t matter. The very first time I went out in public was in Esperance on December 30th 2016, yes I was nervous but they very soon settled and I’ve not looked back. That raises the question as to wether I should have done it earlier in my life but the fact remains that transitioning when I did has worked for me. I am with the right person, Denise has been unbelievably supportive in every aspect of my journey and without her I don’t think I would ever have had the courage to do it. The technology and techniques are changing all the time and although I have had some very dark times since my surgery and the end result is not fully what I had hoped for, I am in very little discomfort and have had no serious problems considering how major the surgery is and the risks involved so from that point of view the timing was perfect. Also, I think the whole world is so much more transgender friendly than it was even ten years ago which is no small thing, indeed even Australia has same sex marriage now! So, yes I would love to have spent an extra ten years of my life being Stephanie rather than Robin but believe me it has been so worth the wait!

Today marks the first anniversary of me officially being called Stephanie Rachael Vaughan. What a year it has been, what a journey! One I didn’t have a map for that’s for sure but one I could not have managed without my partner, soulmate and best friend Denise. She has been my rock and has guided me through some very rough patches with her usual practical way of looking at things. I have also had wonderful support from the medical professionals who have looked after me for the last two and a half years, the two GPs, my amazing psychologist, my gender specialist in Perth, my endocrinologist and all of my friends both here and in the UK, you have all been incredible in the love and support you have shown me.

One of the things which has really made a difference is a very small thing but it means so much to me and it’s something I try to do as often as possible even to the stage of making it a challenge to get it to happen as I have with several people. That little thing is hugging! We should all do it more, the effect is amazing and it’s contagious. It started when I first began telling people my plans to transition and it’s just grown from there. One person in particular who will remain nameless even said to me when I have an appointment she can tell if I’m up or down just by the quality of the hug! She also said that strictly it’s against the rules of her profession but as it helps her gauge what mood I’m in she is more than happy to do it and she is very good at it!

Thankfully I seem to be slowly getting back to full health, I have not needed painkillers for almost two months and am trying very hard to quit the tamazepam. The latter was probably not the smartest thing I’ve ever done, I didn’t realise just stopping taking them would have such a big effect on me but I think I’m over the worst of it now and seem to be sleeping reasonably well if not quite as well as before. I’m sure long term it will be good for me so will persevere and hope to keep improving. The comfort of knowing I have some in my drawer for the odd occasion when I just can’t get to sleep is good but I haven’t been tempted yet and it’s been ten days so am hopeful of a good outcome. The look on the face of my psychologist when I told her I had been on them for almost six years was the thing which prompted me to give it a try and I’m hopeful that the next time I see her I will be completely off them.

The house at Nannup is coming on slowly but surely, all of the gyprock has been done, the verandas are in the process of being done and the cornice should be up this week. We have been looking at kitchens and interior doors etc which are the next things on the list. We are hoping to have it all finished by sometime in October so it is ready for the summer, there is a considerable amount of work needed outside as well but it will happen fairly quickly once the top coat of gravel is on and it will be a work in progress for the first few years before we get it how we want it. Hopefully it will be live on Airbnb by the summer. Every time I go there I get such a sense of satisfaction having been involved throughout the build, it seems a very long time since the truck arrived with all the hundreds of parts on it and seven thousand screws to put it together!

 

You may have noticed a more positive theme to the last couple of posts I have done and yesterday was just one more step nearer to getting to the place I want to be both physically and mentally. During my conversation with the surgeon in Brighton last month he mentioned that he thought my hormone levels were not where they probably should be and I should seek advice and guidance on my return to Australia. I mentioned this to my GP when I saw her last week and she suggested I see an endocrinologist again, we discussed the numerous ones I have seen in the past and I made it clear which of them I wanted to see again and which I most certainly would not want to see.

For one reason or another I didn’t get round to making an appointment last week so made it a priority on Tuesday after the long weekend. Getting through to the reception was more of a challenge than I expected and it took me most of the day to actually speak with someone. When I did I was a little surprised to be told that the choice was either 9.15 the following morning or the 25th of July, I did remember that she only works one or two days a week at this particular hospital so was usually booked up solid for some time ahead. After a moment of thought I decided to take the 9.15 appointment even though it would mean a very early start but felt I needed to see her sooner rather than later.

I duly set my alarm for 4am with a view to leaving at 5. Now 4 hours to get from Busselton to Perth may sound like a long time but at that time of the day I knew the freeway would be chaos and it didn’t disappoint. After a very easy run as far as Cockburn I found myself parked up with the occasional few meters of progress but thought I had plenty of time in hand so wasn’t too stressed about it but after about half an hour I started to get a little concerned and decided to put the address into the GPS and see what the prospects of progress were. I was duly told to leave the freeway and sent on a very unusual way through back streets until I rejoined the freeway about half an hour later and north of the “incident” which had caused the hold up.

I arrived at the suite with plenty of time to spare and dealt with the name change details first. As there was a lady in front of me I decided to visit the cafe for a coffee rather than sit in the waiting room until my turn. When I returned there were 3 other people in the waiting room and it wasn’t long before the lady before me came out and paid her dues at the reception. Shortly after the endocrinologist came out and after a moment of hesitation invited me into her office, what she said to me next blew me away, she said she didn’t pick me in the waiting room and that I looked really good and she couldn’t believe the transformation! That really is all it takes, all it takes to to make the difference, all it takes to make me stronger, more able to deal with the not so positive moments which with help from my psychologist and my wonderful Denise I have reduced to a much more manageable level. I can’t deny there have been some very difficult decisions made recently but in terms of both my physical and mental health I feel they have been the right ones so long may my positivity last!

Two out of the three day long weekend for Denise and I was spent driving down to Albany on the south coast to attend the 60th wedding anniversary of one of my father’s cousins and his wife. From the day I arrived in Western Australia in 2006 this couple have made me feel very welcome and very much part of the family. They are simply gorgeous people for whom I have a great deal of time and respect and in anyone’s eyes being married for 60 years is a huge achievement.  It was an absolute honour to be part of their celebrations and lovely to catch up with so many of my Australian relatives. My confidence at gatherings like that has grown so much over the last twelve months and I never once worried if I looked okay or what anybody else thought of me, I did however have a moment when I didn’t quite expect the reply I received when I greeted someone whom I have known for at least twelve years, don’t see regularly, usually only at family gatherings but who somehow had slipped through the net and did not know of my transitioning. It could have been a difficult moment but they were lovely, after an opening line of “sorry, do I know you?” Then I could see the cogs start turning but I felt it best to come clean and reply, yes, Stephanie, as in used to be Robin? They had no idea of what I had done so a very very brief explanation followed and there were numerous hugs from them both. We had the pleasure of sitting on the “close relatives” table for the luncheon and the conversation never stopped. It was such an easy atmosphere full of love and admiration for the couple of the moment who both took a turn with the microphone and spoke with great ability about their lives and journey.

All in all it was a thoroughly enjoyable event, the second of which I have attended with the family in two weeks. The first one was in Yorkshire on May 20th. Although the occasion had a sad part as the gathering was for the scattering of the ashes of another of my Father’s cousins in the churchyard at Harpham, it was followed by light refreshments at the local pub where I met up with lots of people I haven’t seen for many years. Every one of them was supportive of my journey and interested in my story, some knew a little and some knew a lot of it but there was not one who had anything negative to say only full of encouragement and even some admiration for what I have done. The overall feeling was a sense of acceptance, after all I am the same person just in slightly different packaging and a good deal happier.

 

24 hours back on home soil and my head is full of reflections of every kind. While Yorkshire is my ancestral home my heart is in Australia. My 2018 trip has been full of every type of emotion, some good some very tough.

The wedding of my stepdaughter Nikki was an amazing day, full of pride for the part I played in bringing her up. I was truly honoured to have been a part of it and having the opportunity to speak as her step parent. We had a bond right from the start which at the time blew me away because I was not particularly child friendly but as I said in my speech she captured my heart on Christmas Day 1990. It was lovely to spend my last evening them. The down side was that I was not with my best friend and soulmate, Denise, when she needed me and I regret not going back to Wales to support her. Hopefully I can make that up to her in some way by being the supporting partner she deserves now that I am back.

There have been some real high points while I have been in Yorkshire, I have caught up with lots of people I haven’t seen for many years, all of whom have welcomed me in my new self and been very supportive. There have been some outstanding comments from people, the two most notable being “how could you ever have been a boy” by one person after looking at me and the other “you make a lot better looking girl than you did a boy” by a person I haven’t seen for 15 years at least and while that could be taken as a bit of a back handed compliment I took it as a compliment nonetheless.

There have however been some very tough moments, the hardest was probably on Sunday afternoon in Harpham churchyard after the scattering of the ashes of my mother’s best friend Pat Webster. I stared at the grave of my parents and can’t describe the emotions I felt, I so wanted to ask them why. Why didn’t they tell me of my beginnings?  Why did they watch me struggle through school being bullied and teased?  Why did they take me to two different specialists to try and explain my severe gynecomastia (when they already knew the reason for it)?   Finally why did they not do as the second specialist told my father to do (i.e. tell me) after he had asked my father why he had brought his child to see him when he knew why I was having problems.   It all hurts so much and there are tears in my eyes writing this.  The fact that my brother won’t talk about it hurts me even more.

Then there was Denise’s mum’s funeral.  As funerals go it was the perfect tribute to a wonderful lady with whom I had a real connection from the start. It was a true celebration of her life and a tribute her true spirit, that of a battler and strong lady for whom I had great respect and love. I couldn’t help but make comparisons between Doreen and my own mother.  If I had had the same sort of relationship with my mother as I had with Doreen my life could have been completely different.

My visit to the surgeon in Brighton, I feel, was a success.  He spoke a great deal of sense and said he would be happy to carry out further surgery on me if required. He said I have a 50/50 chance of needing it and having a positive next step is comforting for me. Hopefully I will continue to heal and everything will be fine, and while it isn’t fully the result I had hoped for I need to get my life back on track, finish the Nannup project and start enjoying my life as Stephanie with Denise.

While there have been lots of setbacks, receiving the comments and support that I have had in the UK makes it all worthwhile along with the amazing support I have had from our many friends at home.  As a friend commented on my Facebook post earlier, you will never please all of the people all of the time and family are the hardest to please, so just enjoy being who you are and enjoy all the friends who you care for and who care for you.

For some reason today has been a tough one. In the scheme of things it shouldn’t have been, lunch with a lady I used to work with 20 years ago, tea with someone I have known for over twenty years and then a catch up with someone I have known for 40 years but haven’t seen for 30. The last one was always going to be a story telling time which has it’s pitfalls but I thought I had managed to navigate my way around the tender points quite well. It didn’t turn out that way for some reason and some time after he had left I found myself really struggling. When it came time for my walk, the sun was still out but low so I wore my sunglasses. Just as well really as before I had got very far I found my eyes welling up and the tears rolling down my face. The harsh reality is that the parents thing still hurts me very much and no matter how many time people say to me that times were very different then and lots of things just weren’t spoken about, the truth is that they had lots of time to tell me in the nineties and the 2000’s when things were more liberally spoken about but chose not to. While my physical health seems to be improving my mental health evidently is not which is disappointing as I thought I dealing with things much better. Visiting friends and relatives in the UK was always going to have its moments but I thought this time being the second time for most of them would be easier. Perhaps the fact that I am not having to think so much about my physical well-being has left me more time to dwell on the mental side of things which is more difficult to handle. The physical side of things could be very easily fixed by taking a tablet or two to ease the pain but the mental side is much more of a problem. The acceptance of the fact that in reality I’m not going to find someone who knew about my beginnings and even if I did they are unlikely to tell me they knew anyway is a huge hurdle for me.

So I am into my last week of the 2018 visit. As much as for the most part I enjoy catching up with friends I am actually ready for home. I miss Denise so very much, I miss the pets, our friends and the place itself. I have been back to the UK 8 times in the last 9 years and I’m thinking we will be having a break next year. There are lots of places in the world I want to visit including the rest of Australia.

So my challenge when I get back is to deal with the mental health side of my transition. Hopefully the physical side will keep improving and there will be no need for further surgery, the surgeon in Brighton thought there was a 50/50 chance so somehow I need to improve the odds in my favour which will be the first thing I discus with my GP when I get home. The first obstacle is to get through the next week without too many days like today, hopefully it was a one-off and tomorrow will be better!

As I sit relaxing with my glass of Baileys I think it’s time to reflect upon the first half of my 2018 trip. The functions are over and the job now is to catch up with as many friends and family as possible before I head back to Australia on the 25th May.

The main reason for my trip was to attend the wedding of my stepdaughter Nikki and her fiancé Jon, it was the most amazing day I have had in a long time, even the weather was kind to us. The bride looked truly spectacular and I couldn’t help but think of the two and a half year old little girl who curled up on my lap on Christmas Day 1990, thumb firmly entrenched in her mouth and how she captured my heart. It was a lovely day from start to finish and I felt very honoured to be part of it and even more honoured to be able to speak as ex step father now step mother as it were.

Sadly just two days before the wedding I was attending the funeral of my best friend and soulmate Denise’s  mum in Wales. Doreen and I made a connection on her very first visit to Australia after Denise and I got together in 2013. For some reason we just clicked, she made fun of the fact I was from Yorkshire and I made fun of her for living in Wales. We had so many good trips and so many laughs over the next few years which will remain in my memories for ever. A truly outstanding lady who had no problems getting to grips with my transition unlike some closer to me who should really just be happy for me instead of having a problem accepting the fact that I am now Stephanie and very proud of what I have accomplished over the last 18 months. Denise did an amazing job of organising the funeral in a way that made it a true celebration of Doreen’s life and her eulogy was outstanding. I played a very small part by reading a poem but felt very honoured to do it.

Two days prior to the funeral we were in Brighton seeing a transgender surgeon. I needed to know whether he thought I needed further surgery, on what timescale if I did and his views on several other issues. He was lovely with me, he listened to my story, made me cry and after examining me, treated some granulation tissue with silver nitrate which also came close to making me cry but the meeting I feel was very beneficial and if the need for further surgery arises then he would be high on the list of people to do it. He classed it as a 50/50 chance so there is a large possibility that I will see him again.

So now to the task of seeing as many people as possible before I go back home. There will be lots who I don’t get to see and I hope they will understand. If I spend the rest of my time here chasing around the country visiting people it will not be a holiday for me and I will return home exhausted and probably go backwards in terms of my healing so I hope I don’t disappoint too many people. I have made a good start and have had some memorable meetings with people up to now including my beautiful friends Stephen and Yvonne who I saw yesterday. They have been so supportive of me and when I arrived yesterday Yvonne’s greeting was priceless, she took one look at me and said “just look at you, how could you ever have been a boy?” It simply doesn’t get any better than that! Then today I caught up with a lady I haven’t seen for over 40 years, since we were at school together. We met at Bainton and spent over three very enjoyable hours talking about old times, common friends and my story. Wendy I’m sorry I made you cry when I told my story, I still fill up with tears when I tell it but managed to keep them back today. It was a wonderful three hours and would have loved it to be longer but hopefully we will get you out to Australia at some point in the not too distant future.

This trip I hope to catch up with a number of people who I haven’t seen for many years and today was a good start. I am so lucky to have as many positive friends that so far outweighs the odd negative one and I will continue to seek out people from my past who I would love to re connect with, hopefully they are of the same mind, time I guess will tell!