Author: Stephanie

After a fairly dismal showing yesterday we have agreed on some new rules for the bad language game today, yesterday I managed to use the “f” word 19 times, now I didn’t think that too bad as I can think of lots of days when that would be an hourly count!

Anyway, the rules from today are as follows, if I use the f word then it’s 1 point away but if Denise uses it I get 1 point back, well today at this point I am 2 points up as I have been very good today and Denise has not! This is a much more fun game and one I think will be good for me! I’m not saying that by the end of the day I will still be in front but will have made a big improvement on yesterday!

I woke this morning just after 5am in a great deal of pain for some reason, whether I had twisted differently or just been sleeping in an uncomfortable position I don’t know but it woke with a very sharp jolt! Anyway I had some painkillers and a cup of tea and soon felt it easing, it is however still tender some 5 hours later.

In just 4 days from now we will be setting off on our journey home, it will be a long trip but we are so looking forward to getting home it will be very worth it! The last few days have been better but I don’t seem to have much energy, part of the problem is having never had surgery before I didn’t know what to expect and probably thought I would be up and fighting fit by now, hitting the shopping malls and filling the spare suit case which we brought in anticipation of the amazing shopping there is supposed to be over here, in reality, we did find one shopping mall a couple of days before my surgery but after about 3 hours were both tired, still suffering from jet lag probably but did get a few lovely clothes which were excellent value, I made an addition to my dress collection, not that I need any more dresses I just saw it and loved it and at $25 thought it was a bargain.

A nice surprise for today was a lovely Skype with our very good friend David Pilpel back in Busselton, we got caught up with the news back home which was nice and lovely that he is looking forward to seeing us next week. We are also hopefully having a Skype call with our neighbors today, Andy and Linny which will be nice, I am so blessed by the number of people who have kept in touch all the time we have been away. Also a special mention to my very good friend Niki down in Florida, she had her surgery 1 week after me but flew home after just 9 days, I can’t tell you what a bonus it is having her in contact as we can compare notes etc. a great contact for the future as hopefully she will make it to Australia at some point and we now have a couple of people in Florida to see if we ever fancied heading that way.

Continue reading “Two steps forward…..”

After a very tough day yesterday I think I have turned a corner! Yesterday was especially tough as over here and in the uk it was Father’s Day and to be honest I am so struggling with how I feel about both my parents at the moment that it brought on lots of emotions for both of us. As much as I am trying to focus on the positives and not dwell on the past as it doesn’t get you anywhere and you can’t change it anyway, it’s still a huge hurdle for me and we have discussed a plan of action while back in the uk to try and get some sense in to it by talking to the NHS and trying to ascertain whether or not there was consent for my surgery when I was a baby or even if they knew the whole story or were just told what needed to happen. It will all be very difficult I know as there will be lots of barriers to deal with but hopefully we can get someone with some sympathy who is happy to help. The frightening thing is I had an email from the Intersex international organisation yesterday and it’s still going on, even in Australia and it just has to stop, they have to stop playing god with helpless infants who have the misfortune to be born as I was, a mixed up mess because it doesn’t go away once you have been “modified” I can vouch for that, it just festers away inside and in the end as in my case it just has to be dealt with regardless of the pain involved.

Anyway, onwards and upwards as the saying goes, we have just 5 more sleeps and then our mammoth journey home begins, I can’t tell you how much I want to go home, I know the journey will be tough but we have done all we can to make it easier and the fact that I’m feeling better in myself has to be a good sign. America has not been all I expected of it, I wouldn’t rush back, maybe we haven’t been in the best places but it doesn’t even come close to Australia in so many ways, Denise is disappointed with the food quality and the shops themselves, I haven’t had much to do with the shopping side of things but we forget how lucky we are in Australia and I think the same goes for the uk, I always enjoy going to the shops when we are over, especially the supermarkets as they are so diverse and cater for so many things under one roof, I expected American ones to be the same. I guess it’s like many things and a case of what you get used to, one weird thing we have noticed, over here you get bottle shops which sell wines and spirits but not beer, that’s a totally different shop so wether the licensing is different I’m not sure.

So as my transitioning progresses and let’s face it the biggest part is well and truly over now it leaves the little things, the things I have done for years as Robin but now need to re think before going out into the world fully Stephanised as it were.  One such thing is my language, and my amazing speech therapist Leah has touched on this a number of times but now I have Denise well and truly on my case. Now I know my language can be colourful at times and I have long been a believer that the “f” word is by far the most descriptive word in our language, you only have to look at some of the people that have used it to immense effect, I won’t go into many of them as I don’t want to offend but for those of us who remember The Falklands war in 1982 there was a classic, the captain of the ship which sunk the General Belgrano was heard to to say “what f*****g exclusion zone” as he launched another batch of Exocets in the general direction and no one except the Argies seemed to mind, I could go into others but as I said I don’t want to offend. Anyway I now have a target to reach on using the “f” word or lack of using it as the case may be. I blame the motor trade personally and I often am guilty of using it to berate my self more than others, the phrase “for f*** sake” has become too easy to use and according to Denise I have to change (as it’s not ladylike), so a challenge it will be but I promise I’ll try to mend my ways.  I can’t guarantee that I won’t slip up at times especially where inept drivers are involved and when on my own the aforementioned phrase I’m sure will come out, but only directed at myself.

I have been pretty slack recently and not posted anything, there are a number of reasons for this, the main one being that I don’t seem to be progressing very well at the moment, I think I over did things when we drove up here, I was on the go most of the day with one thing and another and it’s taken its toll. On Thursday I was just shattered all day but picked up a bit late afternoon so we decided that a very steady walk over the bridge to New Hope would be ok, I have to say the deciding factor here was the promise of an ice cream on the way, I love ice cream and haven’t had one for a few days so thought it a great idea. Well the ice cream was perfect, the service was poor, the guy in the shop had zero personality and had I not been really wanting the ice cream I would have moved on! We also needed some tea and coffee and found a shop which did both and again the service was very poor, seriously, a smile and happy face plus showing some degree of actually wanting to help you shouldn’t be too much to ask but it’s been sadly lacking up to now in Lambertville. Shop owners don’t realise that it makes such a difference to have someone bright and bubbly and willing to help behind the counter, the chance of us returning to either store is zero and repeat business is so important in retail.

Anyway, rant over for now, the walk didn’t do me any good either so it’s a good job the ice cream was good, I actually struggled to climb the 18 steps up to the apartment! The result of this is that I have been banned from going out for two days and at the end of them I do feel better, I guess I need to learn to relax and not be on the go all the time as I’m used to, after all it is just three months and then I have the rest of my life to enjoy being Stephanie. On the pain front, I think all the nerve endings are starting to come alive again as I’m getting lots of small stinging type pains which are very localised and don’t last very long but certainly do sting at the time, the scars and stitches are healing well and things are starting to take shape as it were. I am still very swollen in my pubic bone area but the surgeon did say that could take up to 3 months before being back to normal which will be hard as it’s very tender and I can’t wear anything tight round my waist. I am spanning out the distances between taking the heavy opium based painkillers and got it down to twice or three time a day so getting there slowly.

After much deliberation and some frustration in getting through we have upgraded out flights home to business class as the thought of being sat for fourteen hours and then eleven hours was really stressing me as I struggle to sit for dinner it’s so painful so at least I will be able to lay down for most of it. Denise has also organised a wheelchair for me to get around the airport as walking is particularly painful, more because I have to wear the nappy pants than anything else but I am pretty sore down there so that will help somewhat. We also have a hotel booked for the 20 hours in Doha which will be a break but the journey to and from the hotel could be pretty unpleasant as it’s mega hot there and the mini buses are not especially comfortable or smoothly driven, anyway it’s another week away and hopefully I will have improved some by then.

Our apartment in Lambertville is quite amazing, it’s a converted fire station owned by some antique dealers so is full of weird things, lots off stuffed animals and strange furnishings but the bed is comfortable even though it is only about a foot off the floor and the kitchen is excellent, perfect as we are doing most of our eating here. There is even a very old record player and a big pile of records to choose from so we spent some time last night reminiscing listening to music from the 70s and 80s which was good entertainment. There are also some amazing pictures on the walls which I have taken photos of as they are very very unusual.

Well I’ll leave it at that toninght as it’s way past my bed time and I need to sleep!

Our stay in Drexel Hill has come to an end and so has this chapter of the trip, the house itself has been ok, there are a few things which need attention like the shower is pitiful, one of our pet hates. Being able to have an enjoyable shower is not too much to ask in this day and age, the first thing is it’s over a bath which I don’t like, the second is the fact that the pressure is pitiful and fluctuates through out your time trying to get wet. The third is a trio of controls with absolutely no markings on at all stating what each is for and some indication as to where hot and cold are located which I would have thought a safety issue anyway. On the plus side, even if they are pretty agricultural there are no less than 4 aircon units in the house, one in each of the bedrooms and one in the dining room. So let’s talk about said aircon units, in Australia we generally have one of two systems for cooling our houses, either reverse cycle or ducted and sometimes there is some crossover, all are fully fitted and somewhat permanent, here it’s very different, here’s what you do, select a suitable window, usually a sash type, open bottom half and precariously balance your diy aircon unit on the sil, then close window so unit theoretically can’t fall out. Then you place the two very flimsy side fillers in position which work on a sort of an extending theory to fill the rest of the area of the open window but whatever you do, don’t worry about placing the screws in the preformed top of the filler as that would make it difficult for burglars to get in. Finally plug in the unit in a convenient wall socket and there you have it! There was me thinking America would be way ahead of us Aussies in terms of those little amenities which make the difference and if nothing else look professional. On the plus side they do seem to work to some degree, they are noisy, the gaps at the sides don’t seem to be filled in an efficient way so the hot air gets in anyway and they vibrate very very annoyingly. Going back to the security side of things, you could literally open the window a little, lift the unit off the window sill and either make off with it to cool your own home of gain access to any one of thousands of homes with this style of unit, truly bizarre!

Rant over for now! This morning we drove back to the clinic for several reasons, firstly, as we are heading north tomorrow and I seem to be getting through my stash of opium quite rapidly I thought it good to get another script, secondly to hopefully get some answers about the swelling in my pelvic area and the fact that I am still visiting the bathroom every hour or so and thirdly to spend some time with Anna and Niki. Niki had her surgery last Wednesday and we have kept in touch since by messenger but as they are supposed to be flying back to Florida on Thursday it would be the last chance to see them. After our chance meeting on Tuesday last week when we both really took to them and quickly made friends we wanted to spend some more time with them. Niki has not ventured far from bed which is a bit of a worry as she has her drains, catheter and wadding out tomorrow and just 24 hours before flying back home. At least their flight is only 2.5 hours, a drop in the ocean compared with ours but still a flight so will carry all the same concerns but for a shorter period. On the plus side, staying in bed has probably been an advantage in getting the swelling down which I have not managed to do.

Anyway, we spent a very enjoyable couple of hours chatting then went down to reception to sort some things out with the staff. Kami was her usual very bubbly helpful self who informed Heather we were here to see her. She came out shortly afterwards and gave me the script and a letter to give to the airline stating that I have had surgery and may need the use of a wheel chair while in the airport. As far as answering the questions I felt she was pretty vague saying the swelling will go down in time and it’s that which is causing the regular visits to the bathroom, all seemed reasonably plausible so we confirmed our appointment for the 23rd and drove to a cafe for lunch. It was a bit ordinary really, I don’t think they do good healthy options fast food wise here but it was ok and as part of the deal we received a freshly baked cookie to go with it, definitely the highlight of lunch from my point of view!

The rest of the day was spent relaxing, it was 34 degrees today and not like the 34 we get in Busselton, very humid and quite unpleasant so on went the agricultural aircon and we stayed in doors, I did my dilation and Denise painted my toenails so at least I feel more girly than before.

Today has been probably the worst since my surgery, brought on by a dreadful nights sleep in which I visited the bathroom 9 times and it hurt more each time. This morning we called the help line and soon got a call back from Jamie who we met in the hospital who after listening to my symptoms told me I probably have a UTI and to go back onto antibiotics for a few days. Thankfully we still had a stack of them, some we brought from Australia and some from here. I have spent much of the day either asleep or resting, it’s very difficult to get comfortable sitting so laying either on the bed or sofa is usually the best place. I am struck by how weak I feel, we have been having a very steady walk each night since arriving here but tonight after letting my dinner settle it will be straight to bed I feel after topping up my medication.

There has however been a very bright spot to my day, yesterday I reconnected with a young lady I used to work with who had heard my story and took the trouble to send a friend request. We have since exchanged numerous messages (more like novels really!) and I can’t tell you how much I have loved catching up with all her news so Helen, THANKYOU SO MUCH! you have made a difficult day easier. That brings me back to a place I visit every day in my mind, how blessed I am to have so many friends and family supporting me through this and as I said today in one of my messages, if it’s true that you reap what you sow then there must be some mistake as I don’t remember sowing any of this! Hopefully tomorrow will b a better day, I knew there would be bad days and was prepared for it but I think had got lulled into a false sense of security with the last 12 days as they have been easier than I expected them to be. In finishing I want to also say a massive thank you to my amazing partner Denise who has today and every day looked after me in the most caring and beautiful way as only she knows how, I love you so much Denise xxxx

Sorry for the lack of posts in the last two days, they have been pretty rough but I feel we are over the worst now. The problem seemed to start after the catheter was removed on Tuesday. The removal of it was much less painful than expected but it has more than made up for it since. I started having bladder spasms which are extremely painful to say the least, I can’t ever remember feeling anything like it before, like someone had stabbed me and was twisting the knife!  Anyway thankfully I seem to be over the worst, it’s still there and I’m on my second script of tablets to control them but at least I can get in and out of bed and up and down the stairs without too much pain. The other problem is that because I have had the catheter in, my bladder has become lazy and now insists on being emptied about every hour which is not fantastic for getting a good nights sleep in fact it’s not good at all!

The main thing is though, I am now back to the feeling that every day is an improvement on the last and I have to say the staff at the clinic have once again been amazing. Just for our peace of mind we called in the see the surgeon this morning just so she could check out what was going on and again make sure I was happy.  She spent a good half hour examining me and getting a feel for where the pain was and explained why, she said the swelling was better than last time she checked it and although it doesn’t look pretty at the moment it is perfect (I know she is hardly going to say its ugly is she!) she made us both laugh, she said not all of her clients have a sense of humour but she thought she would be ok with us and said that at this stage usually her handywork looks like “Frankenpussy” (a creation of Frankenstein 😄).   However she said it looks perfect for 10 days post op and is healing nicely. She also said it will take up to 3 months to be perfectly healed.

I knew our last full day at the clinic would be one full of new experiences some of which I was definitely not looking forward to!

After quite a rough night with a good degree of pain, more from my back than the surgery and mostly down to laying on the surgeon’s table yesterday while she dealt with the drains. I knew that I was very uncomfortable at the time and should have done something about it but didn’t think I would be there long and so just put up with it and I certainly suffered the consequences. Anyway we got up around 8 and I felt ok, my appointment with Heather was at 10.30 to have my catheter and the wadding removed, I was definitely not looking forward to either but I had temporarily forgot about the other purpose of the appointment, Dilation!

We went down stairs at the given time and waited in the reception, Kami as always was super busy, answering phones, coordinating patients and generally organising people, she gave us a warm welcome and let Heather know we were there, Heather came out and ushered us into a treatment room, she looked surprised as we had come equipped with two pillows and my plastic blow up ring, I explained about yesterday and she was happy to work round it and keep me as comfortable as possible. She undressed my bottom half and asked me to sit on the chair, this I did and put my feet on the foot rests, I was reasonably comfortable so she proceeded to have a look. Then the serious job started , she began with the catheter, probably the bit I was dreading the most, she explained what she was going to do and said there would be a pinch, there was and it was out, just like that! I was very very relieved to say the least, she cut some stitches out then started to pull out the wadding, it was just as though Kathy had stuffed bandage after bandage in the hole, it was a weird feeling, a little uncomfortable but nothing more than that, once again I was relieved.

WARNING – THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IS FAIRLY GRAPHIC – not for the faint of heart or squeamish.   The next thing I noticed was a lovingly presented gift bag on the counter, black with a felt-wrapped package and a hand mirror in it.  Heather proceeded to open one of the things inside, it was a set of dilators, one purple, one blue and one green, the purple one was removed and liberally coated with lubricant and then offered up to my new vagina!!! There was no way this wasn’t going to hurt and hurt it did, she didn’t get it in more than a couple of centimetres and the pain was bad, real bad! Miraculously she then produced a much smaller one and announced we could start with this one, much different result, it went in with little pressure and although there was an amount of discomfort it was very bearable. Now let me tell you the rules, for the first month I have to dilate for 20 minutes, 4 times a day, the next 2 months, 3 times a day and then 2 months at twice a day, after that it gets less frequent, down to once a week after a few more months! However you look at it, that’s a lot of time with this thing inside me! Anyway they are the rules and as I don’t want it closing up I will follow them as close as I can, it will be pretty hard when we are flying but we will endeavour to work round it.

My parcel was cleaned, packed up and passed to me, I got dressed and we went out into reception to make the next appointment which will be the day before we fly out on the 24th. While we were talking to Kami I noticed several people in the waiting room, a lady around Denise’s age and a younger lady, the older one spoke and I could hardly believe my ears, she had a Yorkshire accent, Denise asked where she was from and we told her were we were from and that was the start of a lovely day, we just clicked straight away and they are staying on the same floor as us. In true Yorkshire spirit we shared a cup of tea and our stories, Anna and Nikki are here for Nikki’s SRS which is taking place tomorrow, we could see that Nikki was nervous about it so I wanted to reassure her how easy the surgery would be so Denise and Anna went into town for supplies while Nikki and I talked and talked, she is just lovely, beautiful and very knowledgeable so I knew I would learn stuff as well, our conversations were never ending with a good balance and I think by the time Denise and Anna came back I had gone some way towards calming the nerves. I think I just wanted the surgery so much that even though I was nervous towards the time for leaving I didn’t dwell on the possibility of there being a problem while on the operating table and have said to several people that if I did die on the table it would have been doing something I wanted so much that I wasn’t going to let it bother me but Nikki was concerned and I did my best to help her through it. Sharing stories between transgender people is an interesting thing, there are lots of similarities between us.

WARNING – MORE GRAPHIC STUFF! Now for the other first for the day, it’s a little thing, taken for granted by every female I’m sure but today was the first time I had to visit the toilet to urinate as a female, silly really but I had no idea what to expect, would it be a trickle, would it be a flood, in which direction would it go? As I said, taken for granted but a milestone in my journey. Anyway, it all went ok I think, I can’t say it went to plan as I didn’t have a plan! But Heather’s last comment after she removed the catheter was “if you don’t go before the end of the day I need to know about it!” Let me tell you that was never going to happen as I can imagine what she would have had to do and the thought of it makes me cringe so go I did, several times at that, it does feel weird but I’ll get used to it I’m sure.

Pain is what I’m talking about!

Each business day that we are in the recovery suite we get a visit from a nurse, just to check all is good which for me is a big plus in terms of peace of mind but today when my own nurse (Denise) was checking everything looked ok noticed that the packing which is inside me had started to come out, now it’s bloody uncomfortable to sit as it is but with this sticking out I thought something better be done about it. Anyway we called reception which is literally below us and left a message asking for someone to call us back. We went about doing the things we needed to do like wash my hair and make me look something like but as we hadn’t heard anything back called again and soon received a call saying someone would be with us shortly. You can hear how busy the place is by the number of times the door bell goes, it never seems to stop! But shortly afterwards we heard the door being opened onto our floor and to our surprise it was Dr Rumer herself, I was very impressed to say the least that the main person had come to see me! After exchanging pleasantries and answering the usual questions about how I’m feeling she asked to take a look. She was a little concerned about the amount of swelling at the top, said it wasn’t compromising anything but after a little press here and there said she would like to take the drains out today instead of tomorrow, the next bit struck me with horror! She said she would inject some hydrogen peroxide into the drain holes which would create a sort of volcano effect, I was petrified!!! She left and said Kami would be in touch and sure enough 5 minutes later Kami called to say could we come down straight away, at least the horror was going to be over soon I thought so I put on my dressing gown and we headed downstairs. Kami was busy on the phone and there were two people waiting in reception. We were shown into a room and the examination chair was readied for me and we waited, I held Denise’s hand pretty tight and it hadn’t even started! Dr Rumer came in and explained what she was going to do, removed the two drains and proceeded to inject this stuff into the holes left by the drains. At first it just felt warm but then she started squeezing and pressing around the holes, I daren’t look but I could feel something fizzing in side me, it was a weird sensation to say the least! Anyway it’s done now, hopefully it will drain some more over night, at least the drains have gone so that’s one thing less to worry about for tomorrow’s visit!

For the first time I do feel in pain but it’s bearable, more a stinging than a pain or even a burning sensation so hopefully it will do the job and the swelling will go down over night a little. On the plus side I have felt much more energy today, walking up and down the stairs was no problem and I feel as though the anaesthetic is leaving me thankfully xx