Author: Stephanie

The two days which followed my last post were very difficult days, the worst thing about it is I can’t really put my finger on why but I can’t ever remember being so easily reduced to tears in my life. Just how much of this is due to my hormones I’m not sure but think they are playing a part. How it works is very straightforward really, something or someone upsets me and I start the downward spiral, after that the smallest things affect me and send me further down the spiral and it’s a real problem arresting it it getting back on an even keel again. The further down I get the more the negative side of things affects me and the more difficult it is to get back up. So this morning I managed to get a cancelled appointment with my psychologist.  Now she has always helped my state of mind, I only have to be with her for a short time and start to feel better but this time was different, I don’t think I have been as far down the spiral when I have seen her before and as I mentioned earlier, this time I really don’t know why I’m down there. This appointment was different, she was much more serious about my state of mind and if I’m honest much more strict with me, she is usually happy for me to talk about what has happened since my last visit, the ups and the downs giving advice along the way and generally keeping me on an even keel and has been truly amazing in the way she has helped me over the last year or so but this time she pushed me much more than usual, at times it felt very uncomfortable, she didn’t allow me to deflect questions like usual (she thinks I am good at that, must be the sales person in me!) this time making me really think and actually really work hard at getting to the bottom of my current state of mind. For almost an hour she pushed me, then told me what things she thought were affecting me and why then showed me several ways of handling them. It was like she lifted a great weight off me, gave me exercises to do when I am feeling stressed and heading down the spiral, how to form habits of things which help to arrest the feelings of depression, even how to breathe better!. This is another example of how lucky I am to have the support I have, I must admit when my GP suggested I should have some professional support at the very beginning of my journey in September last year I was sceptical as to how necessary it was and must also admit that I was petrified the first time I saw her but her help has been amazing and even more so this morning when I really needed help. I used to think there was such a stigma attached to seeing any sort of counsellor but I can honestly say it is worth every minute. I think both my amazing partner Denise and I will be very pleased when we get back from Philadelphia, we are both mentally and physically drained and it makes us both realise how lucky we are firstly to have each other but also to have the incredible support and love we have received.

I’ve been here before! Today has been an uneventful ordinary day in which I did some shopping, did some washing and a whole heap of other jobs around the house, not very exciting but jobs which needed to be done and that gave me some satisfaction. I think the problem today has been a mixture of too much time to myself, surgery which is fast approaching and a comment made in an email to me a couple of days ago which questioned whether transitioning in Busselton was the right thing to do? What is it with people who think I should move to where no one knows me in order to do what was necessary to give me some peace in my life by becoming the person I should have always been? I don’t get it at all, the person in question has not seen me for almost three years and I have only recently told her that I have transitioned and why, it just seems a very weird comment to make. I want to say once and for all I am proud of what I have achieved this year and very thankful for all the help, support and love I have received locally up to now, I have successfully become Stephanie, I think I present in an acceptable manner, dress suitably and for want of a better word, pass with ease. The fact that no one gives me a second glance when I am out and about in Busselton or any other town/city makes me feel that I am as presentable as any cis gender women who live here so to suggest that I should move to Perth or some other big city is quite bizarre! Sadly it has preyed on my mind all day which has not helped my mental state.

So my surgery date is fast approaching and I am still some way off being fit and the correct weight for it. I have been stagnant around the 80 kgs mark for some time now and am struggling to get below it even though I am exercising a great deal in fact over the last three days I will have comfortably averaged over 20,000 steps each day which I have stepped up from around the 12,000 mark, I do however feel much fitter which is comforting even if the weight isn’t where I want to be. Our flights are booked, the hire car is booked and we are now able to stay in the recovery suite from the day we arrive which is a help, we will at least be able to get comfortable even if the cooking options are limited, Ardmore is a lovely area so I’m sure there will be lots of places to eat locally, I think I will be rather too preoccupied by the thought of my imminent surgery to be concerned about getting fed!

Sadly the Nannup project has not progressed much over the last few months, I am not able to put the roof sheets on by myself and the person I want to help me is very busy at the moment. Hopefully we will get at least the roof on before we go to Philadelphia. I have however spent a couple of very enjoyable days making the place as bushfire ready as possible. The area above the house is now tidy, most of it has been raked and the leaves and branches burned along with the pile of debris which the ground works crew left. It all gave me a great deal of satisfaction and I am happy that if there is a bushfire then there is not much material on the floor to fuel it, in fact there is now a huge area around the build totally free of anything flammable so I don’t think the local fire officer will have anything to complain about, unlike the property to the left of us as you stand looking at the block from the road, which looks to me as though there is much work to do to make it safe. It would be lovely to think that when I get back from Philadelphia I can immerse myself in doing the inside, there will be lots of learning curves to negotiate my way through but it will be good therapy I feel.

After a huge amount of thought and discussion I have made a decision on who will carry out my revision surgery, helped in no small part by a 40 minute long Skype conversation with the person concerned, that being Dr Kathy Rumer in Philadelphia! It was big decision but in the end it came down to the fact that I know her and she knows me, she did the original job so knows what she is up against and even though it’s a massive journey (55 hours traveling) it will not actually cost any more than going to Sydney as Kathy will not charge me for the surgery itself and will give us two weeks accommodation in the same recovery suites we used in june so the only costs will be getting there, a hire car, the hospital fees and a small amount of accommodation at each end of our stay. Not that the financial part of things is the most important as I needed to be comfortable with the surgeon and confident that it will be done well, so it’s done, I have booked the surgery and confirmed we will use the recovery suite, all that is needed now is to organise the flights, hire car and initial accommodation before the surgery.

So the challenge is on! I have just seven weeks to get fully prepared and get back down to my optimum weight of around 75kgs, it will not be as easy as it was in may as I am not able to use the bike for obvious reasons so will have to rely on eating well and getting as much gentle exercise as possible. I have made an encouraging start, on the morning after we arrived home I weighed a portly 84.1 kgs, more than I have weighed since we arrived back here in 2015 after almost 5 months of traveling but this morning I came in at 80.7 so only around 6 kilos in seven weeks which will be hard but I’m up for it as I had no problems with the surgery in may and I’m sure getting to a good state of fitness helped that. There is also the job of getting into the right state of mind for the surgery, I think that is also under control as I am confident that I have made the right decision in going back to Philadelphia but as a back up I do have my psychologist Hayley to call upon and will be seeing her before I go. She has been a massive help to me over the period of my transition, just knowing that she is there is a comfort in itself.

One of the challenges of going back to Philadelphia was that I would need to apply for another visa as the one I got in February for my original trip was now invalid due to changing my name. This was a job which I was really not looking forward to as the first one was an unpleasant experience to say the least. Anyway an appointment was eventually made for 10am on Wednesday. I set off in good time at 6.30 and had the best run up to Perth I have had in years, had a toilet stop at the services just south of Perth and headed into the city. There were a couple of times I was down to around 30/40 kph but was never stopped completely, had no problem getting a parking place and set of on the 2 km walk to the American Embassy. Even though my appointment was not until 10am I decided to head up to the security section on the fourth floor as we were waiting there for quite some time when we went in February, this time though I was shown straight into security, had my bag scanned and placed in a holding locker, walked through the body scanner, checked in with the guard then taken to the lift and up to the 11th floor, I couldn’t believe how easy it had been up to now and was expecting a hold up once I got to the interview place, not so! I was told to go to desk 4 and a lovely lady asked how my day was going, took my finger prints, checked the details on my application form and told me to take a seat and wait till my name was called out, once again I was expecting a long wait but not the case, I had hardly started to read a magazine when my name was called out and I went to the desk, he asked me where I was heading, why I was going, was actually sympathetic about my having to return! He asked how I was paying for my visit so I told him and he replied “you’re good to go, your passport will be mailed to you in due course” I couldn’t really believe how easy it had been, much more pleasant than the first one. I was taken back to the lift and went down to the fourth floor to pick up my bag, again very easy, back into the lift and down to the ground floor. By the time of my appointment (10am) I had ordered a coffee at the cafe on the ground floor and was reading the paper, very pleased with my morning! To round off my visa application, my passport arrived at 7am the following morning having been sent by courier, all in all a very pleasant experience.

We have been home just four days and have settled back well apart from a niggleing bit of jet lag which for some reason we are finding hard to get over. I think the fact that our entertainment screens on the last flight were faulty so we were unable to watch anything for 10.5 hours except the flight plan maps has had a hand in this, we both slept for 6 hours which on one hand was great for the drive home as I wasn’t tired at all but it has made the jet lag thing much worse. Anyway we are happy to be home and very happy to be reunited with the pets as we both miss them greatly.

Since getting home I have put a considerable amount of time into finding a surgeon who is willing and able to carry out my revision surgery, the response from WA surgeons has been disappointing to say the least, I was recommended to contact one in Perth by the practice who have looked after my transition, the specialist was actually on holiday but his nurse practitioner called him for me for a second opinion and came up with a man they have used in the past but when I called was told in no uncertain terms that he only does top surgery not bottom so no luck there. I have also contacted two others who claim to do bottom end surgery but neither has had the courtesy to reply so I decided to go further afield and have found a very helpful man in Sydney, not ideal as we will still need to fly for four hours to get there, hire a car, sort accommodation etc but a four hour flight is better than a 24 hour flight and a different country so it looks like he will be the one. However, he thinks that I should wait at least another 2 months then he will attend to the issue at the bottom and the issue at the top in the mons pubis area which is still very swollen. He has told me that the swelling is very common after surgery of this type and is reasonably easy to fix but in waiting two further months with no dilating I fear this will cause a further problem as by then I will have lost much of the depth, difficult decisions ahead I feel, I am going to try dilating in different positions and possibly with different shaped dilators to see if I can make it last until the six month time so will see how it goes. The problem is that I am actually scared to try now as it became so painful over the last few weeks of normal dilating and I’m not a great fan of pain!

On the bright side, we have both picked up work, I have got a list of little jobs to do for a lovely lady who lives just a few kms from us in Abbey, this is the sort of work I really enjoy as it’s very varied, a couple of leaking taps, some holes in walls to repair and repaint, some decking boards to secure etc. Denise has got bookkeeping work, mainly from existing clients but further work all the same and we also need to progress with the Nannup project. We have been to Nannup today, it was lovely to see it again and made me want to get on with it asap, there is such a tranquility there, lots of wildlife and peace and quiet, I can’t wait to get it finished!

The weather hasn’t been as warm as we would have hoped but according to the forecast it should improve this week, we have been lighting the fire every night but not until late so it stays in and keeps the house warm throughout the night. We brought some firewood back from the block today but most of it is either wet or green so won’t burn too well, hopefully we won’t need it until next winter! Sadly if I don’t have my surgery until the end of November I won’t be able to do much swimming in the ocean this summer which is a real shame as it is so inviting, anyway it’s more important to get things sorted and there will be lots more summers ahead.

Our last few days have been the perfect unwind after a very busy 5 weeks with a rather unexpectedly pleasant evening on Friday with my cousin and family. I have to say when I organised it there was a fair amount of trepidation as apart from an hour in 2015 I haven’t seen my cousin since leaving the uk in 2006 and to say a great deal has happened since then would be an understatement. We drove for one and a half hours from Amanda and Steve’s to Chiswick in Friday night rush our traffic and it was worth every second of it, Dave, Katie and their two lovely girls could not have been more welcoming. When we rang the door bell I have to say I was nervous as I have been seeing anyone for the first time since my transition to Stephanie but once we got over the initial uncertainty of being offered a hand shake which as always I turned down and went for the hug we had a most enjoyable evening. The dinner was excellent, the wine flowed, we enjoyed a full and frank discussion about my journey and I answered many challenging questions which is I think what I have found to be the best way to get my story over and to go some way to explaining how I have felt for the last 40 plus years so thank you for your support and love Dave and Katie, it was very much appreciated and I think brought us closer than we have ever been.

Tomorrow we head for the airport to start our journey back home. On the whole our trip has been good, yes the weather could have been kinder to us and yes I could have done without the two negative reactions which I experienced  but we have caught up with over 80 people which I think in the time we had available was a tremendous achievement, sadly there were people we didn’t manage to see but we are back again in April so they will be at the top of my list of visits. One of the best highlights of the trip would have to be the party which Yvonne and Stephen put on for us, it was just perfect, I cought up with so many people I have not seen for years and would not have done so without this event, I can’t even remember the last time I saw some of them but I really appreciate all the support and love we were shown, I also met some for the first time like my gorgeous great niece Darcey which was a lovely bonus, I hope to see lots of them again next year when we are over.

So, it’s back to Australia and the challenge of finding a surgeon who is willing and able to sort my revision issues out, sadly the one I was hopeful of being able to help hasn’t replied to my enquiry so I’m guessing that he is either too busy or not interested in helping but time is short so it will be the first job when we get home. There is always the option of going back to Philadelphia but realistically it would be a huge challenge, one which I just couldn’t contemplate this year so would end up being a bigger job as I would need to be opened up as well. Hopefully we can find someone nearer home willing to take on the job, it has been a big blow to me but I’m sure it is sortable.

After a great number of emails trying to organise it I finally managed to sort my three month post surgery consultation with Dr Rumer, it was actually 15 weeks but don’t think the outcome would have been much different if I’d had it earlier. I have been finding it increasingly difficult to dilate and it’s not hard to see why when you look closely and the disappointing result is that I need further surgery and as soon as possible. Unfortunately as we are still in the UK it will be difficult to do anything about it until we get back next week but I either need to find a surgeon in Australia who is both willng to take on some revision work and capable of putting it right or make the decision to travel to Philadelphia again, not something I would look forward to as which ever way you look at it, it’s a bloody long way to travel and then find somewhere to stay for however long it takes to heal enough to travel back not to mention the cost side of things, flights, car hire, accommodation etc so in reality I don’t think I will go that way but guess it will depend if I can find someone at home willing and able to do the job.

To say I am disappointed with having to have further surgery would be a massive understatement. I probably naively thought that if I did everything right as instructed by Heather (Dr Rumer’s now departed PA) I would breeze through the surgery and my recovery would be swift, she said I needed to be my optimum weight, be fitter than I had ever been and as healthy as possible and I followed her instructions to the letter, policed by Denise who carefully monitored what I ate in the final month to ensure I didn’t inadvertently have anything which might cause blood thinning, I have never felt better and I’m sure my pure excitement showed. In reality I never actually gave my recovery a seconds thought, I was so focused on the 30th of may that it just didn’t feature. In the scheme of things I should have given it more thought I know but anyway it is what it is and now I need to focus on putting it right even though I have no intention of ever using it for what it is meant for it really needs to work for my own peace of mind.

Today is our last day in Wales, tomorrow we head east back to Guildford where we are to spend the last few days of our trip. The good news is that it has to be the most relaxing place to stay in the whole of the uk, Steve and Amanda are just beautiful people so it will be a lovely end to our trip. Thankfully we are traveling business class back to Australia so the flights should be almost enjoyable, we are so looking forward to being back home, back in our own bed, own shower, Busselton and all our friends.

With our UK trip well into the second half, our time in Yorkshire is coming to a close. We have so many lovely catch-ups with friends from various stages of my life or career and today has been no exception with friends going back over 30 years. Yesterday would have to go down as one of the most enjoyable days of my journey. Back in June I wrote to some friends of my parents to see if they had shared anything with them regarding my condition when I was born, not in my wildest dreams would the response have been as amazing as it has turned out to be. This couple, Stephen and Yvonne Prescott have so embraced Stephanie and welcomed her and Denise into their lives it almost brings a tear to my eyes, not only welcoming us into their home to stay with them but hosting a very enjoyable party for us to allow people who we would probably not have had the chance to catch up with to come and meet us, many of these people I have known all of my life but lost touch with for one reason or another, others I have met in the course of my career at the various dealerships over the last 35 years but every one of them had something in common, they were all happy for me, happy in the fact that I am now at peace with my inner self and am finally the person I have wanted to be since I was 12 years old. One of the most amazing things about the group of friends present at the party is the age range of the people there, quite incredibly the age range was from 89 years old down to 16 months and as much as my beautiful great niece would not remember much about the afternoon it was lovely to meet her and I am very greatful for every single person who made the effort to come and meet us. It will be the highlight of the holiday for me and something to remember for many years to come.

We have just one more couple to see while we are in Yorkshire then it’s down to Chelmsford to meet up with a very good friend who I have known for over 30 years but not before catching up with another near Leicester whom I have also known for a similar length of time on the way south. As with most of the people at the party they have known me as Robin but have yet to meet Stephanie, they have however been very supportive over the last 6 months or so and I am very much looking forward to catching up with both of them. From there we travel to Wales to spend some time with Denise’s Mum, hopefully the weather will be kind to us so we can make the most of the time we have there taking her to visit various people and catching up with a few jobs around the place which I always enjoy. A brief stay at West Chart will follow that, always a pleasure and a relaxing time in excellent company so a very pleasant end to our holiday.

By the time we leave the UK we will have met up with over 70 people, virtually all of these have met Stephanie for the first time in person so I guess to have just two or possibly three negative reactions is not too bad an average.  It’s still disappointing that there are any (especially one who should have been the most supportive of all) but as the psychiatrist said “it is their problem not mine” so I will let it go.  At the end of the day I am happier than I have ever been in my life and I’m not about to let anyone spoil that.

Posts have been pretty few and far between recently I know, this is because we are flat out catching up with as many people as possible before we go back home to Australia and unfortunately there will be lots of people I would have liked to have seen that we just simply won’t have time that see so I apologise for that in advance. We are however back in just over seven months so it won’t be too long to wait.

On the whole most of the people we have caught up with have been lovely, today we had coffee with some ex colleagues from Drakes which was just lovely and there have been lots more enjoyable experiences over the last week or so. Sadly there have been a couple of disappointing ones which for what ever reason haven’t been as positive, one in particular caused a considerable amount of distress and upset by claiming to have been my mother’s best friend and that there couldn’t possibly have been anything wrong with me when I was born as she would have known about it, well obviously she wasn’t as close a friend as she thought because I can assure you I didn’t make it up, firstly i had the scars to prove it and because they are no longer there I did take photos of them just in case something like this ever came up, secondly I have a letter from my specialist confirming that I was born intersex and thirdly I went through a very unpleasant grilling by a psychiatrist on several occasions to make sure transitioning was the right thing to do so I certainly didn’t take kindly to being accused of making the whole thing up. If that wasn’t bad enough the same person then asked me why at 18 I then started dating girls if I wanted to be one, once again this is a prime example of ignorance, the confusion of gender and sexuality, the two are just on different pages and so many people don’t understand that and spout forth in ignorance. As one of my very good friends told me, gender is who you go to bed as and sexuality is who you go to bed with, the two are completely different but so often confused for one reason or another. One thing for certain, if she had been on my Christmas card list she certainly would not be now!

That said, I have had some really positive reunions over the last few days so will not let this uneducated person cloud my holiday and I’m sure the rest of the people we are meeting with while we are in Yorkshire will all be positive. One thing my psychiatrist taught me is that if someone has a problem with what I have done it is exactly that, their problem and I simply don’t need them in my life, thankfully I have not had a single negative reaction back home in Australia so as we spend the vast majority of our lives there that is the most important thing.

One of the most surprisingly pleasant experiences has been the banks, both here and back home I have had the most amazing treatment. I have already posted about my experience at home but the people who have looked after me at Santander both In Driffield and in Guildford have been amazing, the Driffield one sorted the whole thing out with a minimum of fuss and in a very pleasant manner. If I can find  a place to give feedback when I get the online banking set up I will certainly mention both of them by name as they have been an excellent example of how to look after customers.
Continue reading “Catch-up”

Those of you who have known me for a long time you will already know how important music has been in my life. When I was growing up it was an escape from the torment I felt inside me, a way of closing my mind to the fact that I felt trapped inside a body which just somehow didn’t fit but I had no idea how to deal with it. My taste in music has changed little through the years in terms of style and content, just moved with the times and updated as the years have gone by but when I have a favourite artist I listen to him, Her or them almost until I am sick of hearing them. Just occasionally I come across something which for what ever reason blows me away and I listen to very little else for a good long time. Chris Rea is a good example of this, for many years starting in the mid eighties I listened to his music, went to numerous of his concerts and still to this day enjoy much of it. From there my tastes have tended to be single female artists like Suzanne Vega, Joan Armatrading, Christina Perri and Adele but then about a year ago we decided after visiting a friend’s house to have the basic Foxtel satellite tv package which includes Foxtel smooth which is non stop music video and most of it is easy listening and much of it from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s when there was some really good music around.

About three months ago I was at home watching smooth and a video came on which caught my eye for some reason, I didn’t see the beginning so wasn’t sure who was singing it but at the end made sure I watched for the name of the artist to come up, it was Darren Hayes,  it didn’t mean anything to me at the time but the next time it came on and I thought yes I do like this I did some research which led me to Savage Garden of which Darren was one half along with Daniel Jones.  Soon after that we left for Philadelphia and had no further access to smooth so forgot about it for a while but one week after my surgery after being taught how to dilate I needed  something to take my mind off the pain I was getting dilating, I started to use YouTube on my phone as a distraction and Darren became the first place to start. This particular track is called Insatiable, It’s a great tune and excellent video but if you don’t choose another track when it has finished YouTube picks one for you, usually the same artist or part thereof, well this particular day after several Darren Hayes tracks all of which I liked there came some Savage Garden tracks, all the well known ones at first, Truely, Madly, Deeply, then To the moon and back then I knew I loved you then some lesser known tracks which I didn’t know. After some time one of their hits came on called Affirmation, I had heard this before but not really taken any notice of the lyrics but something made me prick up my ears, it mentioned Parents doing the best they knew how to do and for the next few times this came on I muttered to myself “that’s a matter of opinion” but the more I played it the more it made sense to me. I started playing Affirmation first and listening to the lyrics really hard, it’s quite a quick song and so you really have to listen hard but the more you listen the more the whole thing makes sense in fact there is not a line in the song which doesn’t make sense and then somehow it clicked in my head and in that moment more was done to sort the issues trapped inside my head than 12 visits to the psychologist have done. At this point I haven’t yet forgiven my parents for not telling me I was born intersex but somehow I have come to accept that they did indeed handle it the best way they could and as much as I disagree with how it was handled I have now accepted the fact that they felt what they did was the best thing at the time and that acceptance has lifted a huge weight from me and I now feel so much better for it. It’s quite ironic that the band Savage Garden was Australian as I don’t think I would be in the happy place I am now if I hadn’t emigrated to Australia, I have had so much good luck in finding the right people who cared enough about me to point me in the right direction and put me in touch with the right people and I certainly would not have been where I am if not for my beautiful partner and best friend Denise whom I would not have met if I hadn’t been in Busselton.

After a long day traveling from South Wales to Liverpool yesterday we arrived at the Adelphi hotel and were met at the door by our good friends David and Lynette. The hotel is old and a little tired but our room is clean and spacious so it will be ok. We settled in and prepared for dinner out at the Hard days night hotel just up the road, this was the preferred hotel to stay in but only had one room left when David tried to book for us and so the next best was the Adelphi, the good part about being here is that many of the attractions of Beatleweek are here so we are in the middle of things as it were.

Today has been a busy one and I will probably pay for it tomorrow but hopefully I will sleep ok as tomorrow is also a busy one. The day started with breakfast at 7.30 then a quick return to our room to get ready for the days action. First on the list was a National Trust tour to the childhood homes of both John Lennon and Paul McCartney. John’s home was a “nice for its day” three bedroom semi detached house in a nice residential area which was purchased by Yoko Ono and given to the national trust so it is preserved in a fairly original state for people to visit for many years to come. Paul’s home was a three bedroom terraced house also owned by the trust and kept as original as possible. Both were interesting to see and we were shown round by two excellent guides.

Our afternoon activity was high tea at the aptly named “Panoramic 34” which is on the 34th floor of a building overlooking the Mersey. The weather was perfect for the job, very clear and the perfect temperature for walking to the venue. Now I have had a reasonable amount of experience when it comes to high tea and the expectations were high, they didn’t disappoint in any way, basically 4 courses starting with a tempura prawn followed by 4 dainty little sandwiches, then 2 small scones with jam and clotted cream and to finish 4 little speciality cakes, washed down with a very acceptable glass of champagne and to end a nice cup of tea. This is what a high tea should be like, sadly we have had one or two lately which have been sadly lacking so this has lifted the bar considerably! We are planning to visit a place when we are back in South Wales so will see how that rates, I am looking forward to the comparison although I can’t see the view being able to complete, time alone will tell!!!