Author: Stephanie

It’s Sunday in Ardmore and we woke to a bright sunny day with about 6 inches of snow covering the ground so the whole place looks very festive. This morning we walked to the supermarket which is probably a kilometre away, called in to a coffee shop for a quick coffee and cookie, did our shopping and walked back. It was very cold but I felt a sense of achievement as it was probably 2 to 3 months after the last surgery before I could have done that.  While I am a little apprehensive about the journey home it will be much easier than the last one I feel, not made any easier though by the forecast of minus 10 on Wednesday night before we fly out early Thursday morning! I’m sure all will be good as even if the first flight is delayed we both have plenty of time in Doha before our connecting flights onwards.

From Doha we are going our seperate ways as Denise has decided to spend Christmas with her mum in Wales. She has not been well and is as I write this in hospital. I thoroughly encouraged her to do this even though it means we will be apart for my first Christmas as Stephanie, Mum will really appreciate Denise being there and as she is almost 88 years old you just don’t know when the last opportunity will be, so spending Christmas with mum will be very special for them both. We will have lots of Christmases together in the future I know, and this is just another example of Denise’s selfless nature.  She is pure gold and I am so lucky we found each other in 2012. Thankfully I am very able this time to look after myself, it would have been much more difficult the first time but this time I am looking forward to getting home, walking Bella, seeing the cats again and above all sleeping in our own bed again, not to mention being back in the warmth of summer in Busselton.

Our two weeks in the recovery suite have been really good, while the room is a little tired, it’s warm and cosy, very comfortable and just a short walk into town.   The cooking facilities are a little limited but it’s surprising how much you can do with a couple of microwave ovens. We have eaten really well, even quite healthy really so am not expecting to be much heavier when I get back to when I left. I have I know lost a good deal of fitness in two weeks but it was only to be expected in the scheme of things and I’m sure I will get it back quickly. I am determined to get fit and stay fit for the for the foreseeable future.  A few years ago I would never have imagined saying that but I feel so much more alive when I am physically active and fit so I am sure it is good for me.   Also, as I can now wear clothes that fit my body instead of covering it up (as I have since I was twelve) – that is a huge incentive!

Today was the first real test of how successful my surgery has been, the removal of the drain, catheter and packing. It was never going to be a pleasant job but in the scheme of things was not too bad, first was the drain, a tube which went the whole width of my abdomen was pulled out from a small incision down my right side. It looked like a piece of electrical cable but full of tiny holes, it came out clean without a massive amount of discomfort so I thought “one down, two to go” next was the catheter, a very clever device which is inserted into the urethra while I was under then inflated with 10 ml of air which forms a small balloon at the top to stop it coming out. The air is drawn out and it was removed again without a great deal of fuss or pain. The third and final job was the packing, now that is fairly disgusting really (won’t go into details) and gives the weirdest feeling when it’s being pulled out. There seems to be yards and yards of it, it certainly felt like there was.   She cleaned the area and announced she was very happy with the results. Then came the worst bit for me, she took the smallest dilator, applied some lubricant and inserted it where the packing had just come from.  She declared that she was happy with the depth and then to my horror upsized.  Thank goodness I only brought the two smallest out of five with me!

After the now customary hugs all round we returned up stairs.  I have to say I was relieved to say the least that it was over, no more pipes sticking out of me or bags to carry round and more importantly, no more wearing nappies.  Seriously they have to be the most uncomfortable things ever; no wonder babies cry! I put on some normal clothes and it immediately made me feel better having not worn anything on the lower half for a week except the said nappy I was now able to walk around the suite unhindered. We made some tea then decided to go for a short walk, my first since Tuesday last week, so even though we didn’t go far it was a big thing for me. There were no ill effects so will aim to go a little further tomorrow.   Then, my first dilation since the end of September, and have to say I was scared but it went ok.  It wasn’t exactly pleasurable, and I don’t think it will be anytime soon, but neither was it massively painful so am taking that as a big success. Four times a day doesn’t excite me much but it is necessary so will do my best to comply.  It will however be difficult when we are on the plane!!!

Well day six post op has arrived in Philadelphia and in general I am feeling good. Still only taken one painkiller since leaving hospital on Thursday so am taking that as a good omen. It could all come to grief tomorrow when I have all my pipework and plumbing removed along with the packing which is becoming more than a little uncomfortable but no where near last time. This time Kathy has sewn me up to stop the packing completely Coming out on its own like last time so hopefully all will be good. There are two down sides to having the packing removed and the catheter taken out, firstly I will most likely be back to visiting the bathroom every hour or so until things settle down, being able to sleep for long periods I’m sure has helped me get over the anaesthetic along with the lack of pain. The other down side is that I will need to start dilating again. The mere thought of it fills me with dread to be honest as it was the biggest source of pain for the first four months following round one until Kathy told me to stop as I needed further surgery anyway. I think in fairness it will be much easier this time as I am in a better frame of mind and in much less pain but I’m dreading it anyway, and four times a day for the first month makes it difficult to do much in between times. Anyway you “wanted to be a girl” I hear you say and let me tell you, it’s so worth the pain!

I have just had my visit from the nurse to check up on how I’m going, I just can’t fault the way they have looked after me. She had a quick look then talked about my procedure tomorrow, I don’t have a time yet but am expecting it to be late afternoon as Kathy is operating during the morning. Ever though there are downsides I am counting down the hours as it will give me much more freedom to move around and hopefully get out a little if the weather is ok. It’s forecast to get colder towards the weekend, hopefully we don’t get snow as I’m not sure Denise will be happy driving in the snow. It would complete the very festive atmosphere around the place though. One very good thing about having the things removed tomorrow is that it will be able to have a shower, Denise has done an excellent job of giving me bed washes but it’s not the same, a good shower is one of life’s pleasures I think and I probably spend far more time in them than I should given the water situation at home but a pleasure it is and will continue to do so.

 

So it’s day four post op and Sunday here in Ardmore, for three days I haven’t moved far from my bed apart from the occasional visit to the kitchen or the bathroom. To be perfectly honest it’s just not me, I don’t do sitting around doing nothing and apart from the mental side of things I find either laying in bed or sitting up in bed to be very uncomfortable after a few hours if I’m not asleep. Anyway that will be the way it is until Wednesday when I will have my catheter and drain removed So won’t feel as though I am on a lead all the time. That said, neither are uncomfortable and I must say not having to get up to go to the bathroom every few hours is a bonus at the moment.

One very big and pleasant surprise since leaving the hospital is the level of pain I have been in, virtually none at all, on a scale of one to ten it would have been a one or maybe two on the odd occasion which given the procedures I had done I think is very acceptable. I did however make on with the morphine pump before it was removed at 6am on Thursday morning, I woke at 4.15 and used it 5 times in the next hour and a half regardless of need which was probably still circulating around in my blood stream for some time after. I think it would be fair to say I was on a huge high once I recovered from the horrendous taxi ride home from the hospital, very little pain, the euphoria of surviving another round of surgery and coming out the other side and the seemingly incredible results from it. Not to mention the gorgeous welcoming we received from Kami when we arrived back, however, yesterday was not so good, still not much pain, but a nagging headache and for some reason my head was not in the best space. It probably didn’t help when I was going through photos on my phone and came across one from my god daughter’s wedding in May 2016, it was a lovely one of Denise and me in a lovely setting on a lovely day, I enlarged it to just having me on it and said to Denise “what happened to that grey haired old guy you used to be with”.   I felt exactly that – as much as it was a nice photo, I was not the person I am now, far from it indeed.   You can actually see the stress on my face and my hair is totally grey.  It was at a time when I was in my most mixed up state and knew deep down inside that I needed to fix the issues going on in my head one way or another. The sad thing about it is that when I showed it to Denise it upset her, partly because she loved me as Robin even though our relationship is ten times stronger now than it was then but also because she knew how tormented I was at that time and how close to the bottom of the downward spiral I actually was. That in turn upset me and I became very emotional and tearful. It’s a period of my life that I simply would not have survived without Denise by my side, she encouraged and nurtured me through it and indeed it was Denise who by just asking the question about transitioning that pushed me to start the ball rolling, the ball which made me the person I am today, the ball which took away the torment and gave me a level of peace in my head which I had never experienced in the first 55 years of my life.

The other thing contributing to the low yesterday was the fact that the mons area on which Kathy used liposuction to remove the scar tissue and other offending material has swollen up again. This to me is probably the most important part of the treatment, it is the one thing which has caused me pain and discomfort since day one in May as every time I sit down there is an unpleasant sensation which feels as though it is being pushed upwards into the clitoral area and with great pressure. I think it’s fair to say I overreacted, yes it’s still swollen this morning but I read on another surgeon’s post that swelling after liposuction is common and can last several weeks before settling down so am not so stressed about it today.

That brings me to the final part of my post today, expectations.  I have always had very high expectations in everything I do. This could be work related, especially when I was in the U.K. and MG Rover were on fire.  If we sold 20 cars a week I wanted 30 and indeed expected it and I am my own harshest critic. If things don’t work the way they should I hate it, I have been like this all my life, I just don’t do average, it’s not the way I am! The recovery from the first surgery was a perfect example.   I know I expected too much of myself and my body. It was difficult to know what to expect as I hadn’t had any surgery since I was 10 years old but my GP told me, my psychologist told me, Denise and many of my friends told me not to expect so much of both my body and my mental state but it’s very hard not to when it’s the way you live your life. Thankfully I have had all the best people around me to pick up the pieces when things have gone astray during the last 16 months or so since making the decision to transition, to them I am truly thankful for continually keeping me heading in the right direction albeit maybe at a slower pace!

Normal service is now resumed! Two days post surgery and I have to say I feel ten times better than I did after the first lot. While I appreciate the revision surgery was mostly external stuff, Kathy attended to 5 seperate issues, all of which required her expertise and experience to sort out and hopefully she has! On first impressions one of the main reasons for needing surgery, the still swollen mons area has improved a great deal, it now looks flat as it should do and the discomfort I was experiencing every time I sat down has gone, she did tell me during my first post op consultation today that she removed over 200 ml of scar tissue and other material by liposuction from the area so it’s not surprising that it looks different and much better than before. The other big issue and the reason for the urgency of the surgery was that I was no longer able to dilate due to the growth of scar tissue in the area.  After removing the scar tissue Kathy needed some suitable skin to use as a skin graft and here is the bonus! She took the skin from my lower abdomen and gave me a mini tummy tuck at the same time.  I now have a very neat scar across my tummy and a very flat part! There was another bonus too, I happened to mention that going to the bathroom was something of a lottery in that I never knew what direction the flow would head in so she has repositioned my urethra further back which should solve the problem. This last issue was very frustrating for me and as it had only really become apparent in the last month or so I hadn’t even mentioned it before seeing Kathy on Monday.  So the fact that it has been sorted is a big relief.

Throughout our time in Philadelphia I have been absolutely blown away by how well we have been looked after, the girls at the clinic, Kathy herself, the nurses in the hospital, they have all been wonderful, friendly and kind to us. It was always going to be stressful coming over here again but to be treated so well has really made a difference and I can’t speak highly enough about the level of care we have received. Even the weather has been kind, yes it’s cold but it’s bright and fresh so very pleasant really and Ardmore is very tastefully decorated with Christmas trees in various places and seemingly every lamp post in the centre decorated so it’s a nice place to be even if I didn’t want to come back again.

So now the real recovery starts, I have less than two weeks to get up to speed and to a level of recovery that will make the flights back home to Australia ok. Before my op I have to say I was sceptical but the fact that I have an arsenal of opium based painkillers by my bedside but haven’t felt the need to use any yet is a big positive.  I feel at least as well as I did two weeks after the first op and at that stage I was using painkillers every 4 hours so providing I keep improving, the flights home will be good and knowing I will be able to lie down if necessary is a bonus.

This is Denise writing as Steph is still not up to putting finger to keyboard.

After a very long day yesterday the good news is that Steph has come round from the operation and is in good spirits – making the nurses laugh and inviting everybody out to Australia on holiday.  I hope they don’t all turn up the same time!  Everyone here is very interested in Australia – it still has the reputation of being the land of plenty – plenty of sun, beaches, wonderful people (of course) and plenty of dangerous animals (we got asked if it rained spiders – where did that come from?)  The lovely orderly wheeling Steph away from me to Pre-Op was obviously interested in Astronomy and the last I saw of Steph was him demonstrating his knowledge of The Southern Cross to her.  She seemed to have other things on her mind so I don’t think she was giving him her full attention!

She was in Pre-Op and the Operating Room for a very long time.  It was a long wait but she finally got allocated a room at 5pm.  She was very groggy and nauseous – still is this morning.   We have yet to speak to the surgeon but have spoken to a Doctor who was present who told us all went well.   It seems strange that they are discharging her today – I would have preferred her to have an extra day here.  At least we are going back to the Surgeons rooms so feel that help is very accessible if needed.   Steph also had a call at 8pm last night from Kami (who is front office manager at the clinic) who wanted to know how she was going – very special and it is a measure of the kindness and the level of care that we have been shown.

We are being looked after very well here at Hahnemann Hospital –  we even met two of the nurses who looked after Steph last time.   We are on a different floor – more modern and the room is larger.  Apparently the hospital has been sold and the new owners take over in January so it will be interesting to see if the level and quality of care changes in the future – NOT THAT WE HAVE ANY INTENTION OF COMING BACK (but then we said that last time 😄).

Well, medication has arrived and dressings will soon be changed so I will sign off and hand you back to Steph for the next post.

We have just learned that my surgery is to be around 11am tomorrow which is about 18 hours away! For some reason it feels so much different from the last lot, I know it’s not going to be as invasive as the first surgery but there are now 5 issues which Kathy is going to sort for me so will still be a lengthy surgery. On one hand I know how the process works and when the doomsday moments as my psychologist calls them will be, hopefully the the strategies she has given me work and I get through without too much trouble. On the other hand I really don’t know what to expect when I come round after the surgery, I’m hoping that it will be a much faster recovery time this time as we only have 2 weeks from me leaving hospital to when we fly back home and I know I couldn’t have dealt with the flight home after two weeks last time, I was in far too much pain so fingers crossed! I am about half way through my pre-op preparation, hopefully I will get some sleep this time unlike last time when the taxi came to collect us at 5.15 in the morning, we are still waiting for a call from the lady who organises the transport to get a pick up time but we would expect it to be around 7.oo  so not too bad.

The weather here has been kind to us up to now, bright sunny days but only around 12 degrees although it feels warmer than that. We have done a little bit of shopping but not gone far really, Ardmore is a lovely suburb, very clean and well kept with some nice shopping areas and coffee shops about 30 minutes in a car from the city centre. Everywhere is tastefully decorated for Christmas and the shops seem busy, Christmas is obviously a massive thing over here and it actually feels like Christmas should feel unlike Christmas in the heat of Australia, I wouldn’t swap it though, I have got used to it in the heat and anyone who knows me would know I’m not a big Christmas fan, all too commercialised for my liking! The people here are really nice, not just at Dr Rumer’s clinic but everywhere we have been, all very friendly and when they say “have a nice day” they sound as though they mean it!

Well I will sign off now, Denise will most likely do the next post while I am sleeping my anaesthetic off and hopefully feeling very relieved that it’s all over. Having said that, I didn’t ever expect to be back in Philadelphia anytime soon so nothing is set in stone, the one thing I can say is that although this year has been very tough for both of us, the six months I have had since my first surgery have been some of the happiest I have ever had and I’m sure things will only get better. I love my life as Stephanie more than I ever believed possible which just goes to show transitioning was the right thing to do and to be accepted the way I have been makes me a very happy girl!

After a seemingly never ending journey we finally arrived at the surgeon’s clinic in the suburb of Ardmore, Philadelphia. Apart from a very stroppy lady at the car rental place our journey was good, the flights were good apart from a little turbulence on the first leg which we have had before, the hotel in Doha was excellent and we had no problems getting through immigration here in Philadelphia, the guy actually wished me luck with the surgery which I thought was nice of him. Now bearing in mind that the surgeon is letting us have the recovery suite for 15 days at no cost to us I wasn’t too upset to have to give it a bit of a clean, especially the bathroom. The suites are a bit tired but homely and the bed is comfortable, the cooking facilities are a little restricted but it’s warm and cosy which is a bonus because it’s pretty fresh outside so we’ll manage I’m sure.

One of the things I have really looked forward to is catching up with the team at Rumer Cosmetics especially Kami the front office manager. She has been so good to me over the last six months, never failing to to reply to an email or question and always friendly and helpful as they all have been with me and it didn’t disappoint, they all gave us big hugs and were pleased to see us again. My first appointment with the surgeon was scheduled for 10am, I have to say I was a little nervous particularly when we were showed to a consulting room and I was told to undress and sit on the dreaded chair, legs akimbo and wait for Kathy to come in. Now it’s a small room and the chair takes up a large part of it but when Kathy came in she was not alone, Jenn was with her who I know reasonably well from last two me but also a doctor in training so the room was pretty claustrophobic, not good for me at the moment but anyway it wasn’t going to be for long hopefully. Now one thing I learned from the last visit was that there is no dignity involved once you step through the door into the clinic, each of them had a look, Kathy had a squeeze here and a press there then the dreaded lubricant appeared! I knew this was going to hurt but she was kind and saw how much so didn’t push too hard and it was all over. Then came the conversation about what she was going to do and how and here comes the bonus! Anyone who has known me for more than the last five years will know that for much of the first 51 years of my life I was substantially over weight, the down side to that is that there is quite a lot of skin spare in my midriff, well fortunately, she needs a bit to basically re-line me so I get to have a little tummy tuck in the process! And I’m not even paying for it, how good  is that? The only down side is that it will restrict my movement for a while and how much I can do for some time but as she said, it is needed so might as well come from there!

The rest of the day has been spent getting supplies in for my preparation, I’m not sure what time my surgery is yet so can’t let anyone know but should find out tomorrow. On the whole it’s been a good day today, the weather is cold but bright and sunny so reasonably pleasant to be in. Philadelphia seems to be much easier to navigate a second time around, our hire car is a Nissan Juke which is comfortable and easy for Denise to manage which is good as I am not insured to drive it, roll on Wednesday and getting the surgery over!

When I first learned that I needed further surgery back in September I was distraught to say the least, it had never been talked about, thought about or considered so it took me completely by surprise. Two months on and I am in a completely different place, the surgeon and her team have been amazing with me and in a strange sort of way I am quite excited to be going back. Round two will be much easier, we know the place, the people, the area and what to expect on November 29th! There will be lots of unpleasant moments I know but I am treating it as just a bump in the road to me being the person I so want to be and should have been from day one. My psychologist has equipped me with strategies for dealing with the tough moments which have helped no end and I am really quite confident that all will be ok. One hurdle I needed to get over was hair, Kathy will expect me to be pretty much hair free for the surgery so a start was made today by my gorgeous friend Linny from next door but one, my first ever Brazilian! It wasn’t as painful as I expected, yes it stung a bit but didn’t last long and there are still some which need dealing with but will wait till nearer the day of the surgery, the biggest part of it is done and without any problems so I will take that as a good omen.

The last two weeks have been quite a roller coaster, I think the momentum has slowly been building and as I sit here writing this, our departure time is less than 20 hours away and there is still much to do, I need to finish packing to start with, deciding what to take is a challenge, we know it’s going to be cold but just how cold is the question, I have been getting regular updates from the girls at the clinic but I guess it can change quickly, who knows there may be snow! Kami, the front office manager tells me that Philadelphia is lovely in the run up to Christmas, I don’t somehow think I will be in a fit state to see much of it but in the second week after my surgery I might venture out a bit and see what’s going on. Also in the last two weeks I have been overwhelmed by the number of people wanting to catch up and wish me well or phoning me to to say hope all goes well, I am so lucky to have so many wonderful friends and have the support and love, I am truly blessed!

Denise will most likely do a post soon after my surgery to let everyone know that I am ok, after that I’m sure I will be posting more regularly as the trip unfolds and I regain some strength, the anaesthetic wasn’t too bad last time so am hoping it will be ok this time, I’m not looking forward to the needle but I’m sure with my strategies I will cope!

 

Ok, I know posts have been very few and far between lately! Although I have had a number of things which I could have talked about, nothing has quite given me the urge to put it in a post until today. As we are going to William Bay for a couple of days tomorrow I have spent much of the day getting stuff ready for that and generally making the place tidy. I always planned to go into town at some point as I had a sprinkler to replace which I needed to buy and a couple of things from Coles. Before leaving I checked my phone and saw I had a number of emails so I had a quick look and saw one from someone I haven’t received emails from before, a local business whom I have done business with before and been very satisfied with the product and the way the business was conducted so I read it. It was from a local printing business who have done business cards and graphics for me in the past and I am in need of some business cards so when I saw they had a special on them I decided to call in. I must say I have been going to call in for a couple of weeks but this was the perfect reason. I parked in the car park at the front of the shop and went inside, the young lady behind the counter recognising me straight away even though she didn’t know I had transitioned said “wow, you look amazing” and seriously that is all I want or need, we had a brief conversation about the reason I have transitioned and at the end of it she asked me if I was happy and said she was proud of me for having the courage to do it. It absolutely made my day, I don’t want any special treatment, I just want people to be happy for me and to get on with my life being the person I know I should always have been, it was just the perfect experience and needless to say I ordered some business cards!

The second part of today’s post concerns my psychologist, apart from my usual monthly visit I felt I needed to see her earlier this month. I think the whole enormity of going back to Philadelphia hit me and I was lucky enough to get a cancellation earlier in the month after which I felt a good deal better. My scheduled appointment was on Monday and I must say, much like the appointment earlier in the month I came out feeling so much better in fact I would say it was the most productive appointment I have had since starting to see her in September last year. Having counselling was never something I thought I would ever need or get any benefit from but I can’t tell you how much she has helped me through the last 14 months, without being hard on me she is able to extract how I feel about things and somehow get me to look at things in a different way but on Monday I came away with a plan and strategy to get me through the horrible moments in store for me having surgery again which is a real bonus as anyone who knows me will know how much I dislike needles etc and I know there will be some pretty uncomfortable moments ahead.

With that in mind I am ok with going back to Philadelphia, I’m not excited about the thought of 55 hours traveling either way but it’s a necessary evil and at least we are traveling business class both ways so we should be able to get some sleep (and copious amounts of champagne!) and the hotel which we will be using for the twenty hour stopover should be ok. I am looking forward to seeing the surgeon and her team, they have been really lovely with me getting all the information they need for the hospital etc and hopefully Philadelphia will be pretty in the run up to Christmas, hopefully not too cold, not that I will be venturing far from my room after the surgery! So I am in a good place in terms of my mindset for the impending trip, looking forward to getting fixed most of all but not looking forward to having to dilate again, 4 times a day for the first month!!! Anyway, it has to be done and it will soon pass, hopefully it will not be as uncomfortable as last time!